i woke up to the sound of indecisive footsteps echoing through the roof into my room.
sat up on my bed, and felt it unusual.
Outside the birds were no longer welcoming my presence. This time they just sat in the tree and stared. I stared back; there was no understanding. I felt their greedy eyes on my back as i made my way back in.
The route to school, or labor camp as i have recently named it, was the same. The only difference was the traffic lights, as did the birds, glared at me, this time they were trying to tell me something. It usually isn't by chance that all of them are red on the way to school. I then became upset towards them, for they were the reason i was behind schedule. The day played on as any usual Thursday does. I felt distant though today, not towards anyone, but life in itself. I sat there during theory, one which I already had taken upon myself to learn. It painstakingly laughed at me for the whole 45 minutes. Who knew the hair removal chapter would be such a perfidious character. Well after the misery had passed, I sat there wanting to think deeply, but couldn't get myself to do it. Thinking comes easily i thought, but this time, it was either sleeping or on break. I was a zombie at that point. Alive, but no inclination to do anything, no desire...not even for blood(a joke for those not able minded). Everyone who talked to me, i could hear them, but it made no sense, my mind wasn't even trying to understand what they said. Then I started to laugh quietly, because all i saw were mouths moving, but nothing could be made of the sounds.
Lunch time was another blur, more so because at this point, i had given up on trying to make sense of the day. Outside the sun beat down, but seemed to cast a shadow over me. The clouds hovered over me like a group of new freshmen hovering a map of the school on their first day. If i paid them no mind, they would go away. They eventually did...I did nothing to entertain them. After school, went straight to work...usually i find solace there, but lately some days I've felt more and more like bacteria under a microscope. Everything I do is watched. When I walk, where I walk to. I have a method to my madness, and theres no figuring it out. Heck if I haven't figured it out, I don't think someone else could. But i kept it cool. I sat outside for a bit, and the climate wasn't merciful. The sun gave you that false sense of security, but when you walked outside, you realized that warm sun is far away. I sat there to take a breath, and everyone that walked by, did just that walked by. Some looked for a split second, others busy on their phone talking about how they don't have enough money to pay for a babysitter because they had to buy their boyfriend a sound system for his car. Through process of today's generation is a frightful one. As I left work, the comfort of heat and a familiar face welcomed me. The ride home was short, but then again it seems the good times don't last that long lately. Got dressed and went to the meeting. Opened the door and was tackled by allergies. I couldn't get comfortable, I felt like i was dying at one point. I couldn't breathe, and started to become irritated. I got up and the feeling left.
Sometimes it's not easy to keep your head up. People say it,but its easier said than done. I believe that we can change our moods, and attitude and outcomes of situations. But I also believe that you can do that when your mind helps you to. Today, my mind had taken a leave of absence.
I should of known from the minute I woke up. The birds were telling me, and so were the glaring red lights.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
where you want to be..
If time were as simple as the snap of a finger where would you go?
Go back in time to fix mistakes we knew we were making?
Venture forward to where we want to be?
Would it be worth to do either?
Going back to try and fix mistakes would mean that who we are at this very moment would mean absolutely nothing. Who we are, products of mistakes healed with time. Souls entranced with barbed wire regrets and loaded pistols, ready to strike when all we need is to breathe deep. Spewing deadly poison as a matter of first defense. Without conviction, we will never feel anything at all.
Skipping to the future is for those who are unhappy. The future to them is a means of forgetting who they are, and what they've yet to accomplish. Rather than accepting the gift of present, they are preoccupied with something out of their reach. Acceptance and understanding is not something they adopt in daily life. Experience, a word non existent in their vocabulary. Slaves to their own confinements, and to their own corrupt ideals. Making the best of now would be idiocy. Long term goals, impossible to be reached without accepting the present.
Without a fight, they fall.
Go back in time to fix mistakes we knew we were making?
Venture forward to where we want to be?
Would it be worth to do either?
Going back to try and fix mistakes would mean that who we are at this very moment would mean absolutely nothing. Who we are, products of mistakes healed with time. Souls entranced with barbed wire regrets and loaded pistols, ready to strike when all we need is to breathe deep. Spewing deadly poison as a matter of first defense. Without conviction, we will never feel anything at all.
Skipping to the future is for those who are unhappy. The future to them is a means of forgetting who they are, and what they've yet to accomplish. Rather than accepting the gift of present, they are preoccupied with something out of their reach. Acceptance and understanding is not something they adopt in daily life. Experience, a word non existent in their vocabulary. Slaves to their own confinements, and to their own corrupt ideals. Making the best of now would be idiocy. Long term goals, impossible to be reached without accepting the present.
Without a fight, they fall.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
coordinate brain and mouth...
He paints a mural of deception and morality based on materialistic vows. Hoping that while he paints the end of this internal war that he will find the missing pieces of the puzzle. Concentrated on picking up the pieces, he finds the fragments of past decisions and mistakes. He just wants to believe that it's not in vain, so he creates more unfinished masterpieces, and thats just what he is. An unfinished trophy.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
life isnt about finding yourself, its about creating yourself
I thought about the quote which is the title to this entry.
It made me realize even more the complexity, and dis-functionality of this life.
When you're told in life you will find who you are, people say that because they're scared to admit to themselves who they are. When you stand in front of a mirror and stare yourself down, you know who you are, the problem is accepting or admitting to who and what you are. [EXAMPLE]Pedophiles aren't going through some phase of life and trying to find themselves. They're sick individuals who know that what they do is perversely and morally incorrect. Cheers to them, because they know who they are. NO! I am not encouraging or supporting what they are. Just a point to explain that people avoid to show or be who they really are in fear of being rejected or pushed away.
Naturally (or at least in my head) people liked to be liked. However sometimes because the way a certain person is, or better yet WHO a certain individual is, may not be something flattering to another imperfect reasoning mind. There comes in to play the saying about finding yourself.
Finding yourself to me means, be someone you're not to impress other people. Change what you love about yourself and who you are to make others happy. Of course, if someone is ill tempered, or otherwise, that person might want to detract away from that characteristic. Doesn't necessarily mean they are that way forever. Neither does it mean trying to mold that or erase that characteristic changing who they are. We know as humans there are certain things that trigger the mind and trigger senses. Like sharks, they aren't born to kill humans or hunt us down. However when they smell blood or something looks apparent as to what they prey on, their mind is triggered and they attack. Same thing as us. We can be amazing people, generous, loving, caring, compassionate. But when certain things trigger our emotions or feelings, doesn't mean that we aren't going to be upset, angry, depressed, etc. People judge to often that when someone is in a bad mood, thats how they always are, and you cant change that.
What about when they're in a good mood?
I guess what I'm trying to say is that, most of us know who we are, and at times we're afraid to show it because we feel other people might not accept that. In a sense we have to create ourselves to others. My case, I do have sometimes a bad temper, but showing that all the time isn't something positive, nor do i excuse that behavior, it's what I am. However I can control in time those emotions. Maybe this only makes sense to me. But whatever, this is how I'm feeling right now, and I thought I'd share it.
I guess what triggered this thought, was hearing something at work. Someone told someone that in life, most of our time is spent finding out who we are. In my head, I was like, no its not, I know who I am, half of life is accepting who we are and hoping our peers will accept it whenever we're ready to show who we really are. Or we can pretend to be something we're not, and going home each night and looking in the mirror, not able to come to peace with ourselves.
Got it?
Nahhh
alright I'm gonna shower
peace!
It made me realize even more the complexity, and dis-functionality of this life.
When you're told in life you will find who you are, people say that because they're scared to admit to themselves who they are. When you stand in front of a mirror and stare yourself down, you know who you are, the problem is accepting or admitting to who and what you are. [EXAMPLE]Pedophiles aren't going through some phase of life and trying to find themselves. They're sick individuals who know that what they do is perversely and morally incorrect. Cheers to them, because they know who they are. NO! I am not encouraging or supporting what they are. Just a point to explain that people avoid to show or be who they really are in fear of being rejected or pushed away.
Naturally (or at least in my head) people liked to be liked. However sometimes because the way a certain person is, or better yet WHO a certain individual is, may not be something flattering to another imperfect reasoning mind. There comes in to play the saying about finding yourself.
Finding yourself to me means, be someone you're not to impress other people. Change what you love about yourself and who you are to make others happy. Of course, if someone is ill tempered, or otherwise, that person might want to detract away from that characteristic. Doesn't necessarily mean they are that way forever. Neither does it mean trying to mold that or erase that characteristic changing who they are. We know as humans there are certain things that trigger the mind and trigger senses. Like sharks, they aren't born to kill humans or hunt us down. However when they smell blood or something looks apparent as to what they prey on, their mind is triggered and they attack. Same thing as us. We can be amazing people, generous, loving, caring, compassionate. But when certain things trigger our emotions or feelings, doesn't mean that we aren't going to be upset, angry, depressed, etc. People judge to often that when someone is in a bad mood, thats how they always are, and you cant change that.
What about when they're in a good mood?
I guess what I'm trying to say is that, most of us know who we are, and at times we're afraid to show it because we feel other people might not accept that. In a sense we have to create ourselves to others. My case, I do have sometimes a bad temper, but showing that all the time isn't something positive, nor do i excuse that behavior, it's what I am. However I can control in time those emotions. Maybe this only makes sense to me. But whatever, this is how I'm feeling right now, and I thought I'd share it.
I guess what triggered this thought, was hearing something at work. Someone told someone that in life, most of our time is spent finding out who we are. In my head, I was like, no its not, I know who I am, half of life is accepting who we are and hoping our peers will accept it whenever we're ready to show who we really are. Or we can pretend to be something we're not, and going home each night and looking in the mirror, not able to come to peace with ourselves.
Got it?
Nahhh
alright I'm gonna shower
peace!
Sunday, January 20, 2008
crushcrushcrush
So this weekend, was I guess you can say pretty good. Kinda kept it low key, but not really.
Friday hung out with some old friends, and it was a pretty good feeling. I hadn't seen Isaias, Ariela, Sarai, and Chan for a good amount of time. It was good, but you know that feeling like, let's see how do I explain this....I miss all of them but at the same time, I know I'm not on their level, or the same page of life they're on? Hard to explain....It doesn't help that there are still feelings burrowed deep inside, that the more I try to suppress the more they surface, esp in these situations. I simply miss her. Sarai and Justin are getting married and moving back out to Oregon, which I think is great for Sarai, because she deserves a good person like him, and at least they have good spiritual goals....it'll work out. I just gotta see how I'm gonna find money to get to the wedding....one more to add to the list of worries.
Saturday just basically was a long workday, but I got through it. Towards the end there was something that really bothered me and I really don't feel like venting on this issue now, because its something that truly shouldn't bother me, but its like that stupid pinched nerve you try to forget, and when you turn a certain way you're reminded of it. I don't want to be reminded of it now, nor do I care about it because its just plain idiocy. But back to Saturday, after work Alina came over with her sister and we went out to The Office and then to Van Gogh's. Was a fun night, hadn't seen Angelique (Alina's sis) in a while so it was good to see her. Stopped at CVS to pass the time...I realize how much I love CVS the more I go there. Its just fun to be in there, reading cards, looking at magazines, just basically lounging inside....sounds stupid but its fun. There are many places I love to do that in....Barnes and Noble, Target, Circuit City, APPLE STORE!!...etc. Then we just came back to my house looked at pics, and took some while I got nasty with commerce bank on the phone.
Sunday we had our last day of the CO and DO visit. This week has made me realize a lot of things that I need to work on, and how much Jehovah has these programs to encourage us and to remind us, that even though we go through all this crap in our life, and lose our family, friends, and everything, we still have him and his organization to rely on. Its a hard reality to grasp, at least for me, because I live off my Friends and Family. I'm a people person believe it or not. I am imperfect and although independent, I'm scared to be alone, or not have anyone. Its just more enjoyable to live life and be able to share those moments with your friends and just be able to have that person you can call and talk to about anything, and never feel judged. But back to the meeting, we had a lot in attendance which shows that there still are people who are interested enough to show up for meetings like these or special visits....and a friend of mine said, that the only thing we can be for other people is a good example, so it just reminded me of how much we need to serve Jehovah the right way because people are always watching us, esp because they have this mindset that JW's are perfect...and were not....but yea....good to see the hall filled up. Went out for breakfast with Lin, Erik and Matt after the meeting, which was good, but I wasn't feeling as energetic, kind of tired for no particular reason to be exact. Slept a little when I got home and woke up when Alina got here to watch the Giants game. Ordered some pizza and watched the Giants game.
Let me tell you how I almost cried today. The game tied at the end, packers got possesion, but in the end we made it with a field goal 47 yards away.....when all the other field goals had missed in the game...and they were closer than 47 yards....so it felt good when they won. So we went out to Fridays to celebrate after. Had some dessert and drinks.
Now just sitting here listening to music and recapping the weekend. I wish sometimes I could control certain things, but then I realize I am only human, and the most I can do is offer what I have. I love the people closest to me, and all I can do is pray I can keep them close, and as for other situation, maybe later down the line our paths will cross, and we can pick up where we left off..I do miss her, but its only best that it stays how it is now.
I just thank Jehovah for all the people in my life who care about me and vice versa.
On that note, I have to shower and sleep....not all schools have off for MLK, and mine is one of them.
Night
-disenchanted
Friday hung out with some old friends, and it was a pretty good feeling. I hadn't seen Isaias, Ariela, Sarai, and Chan for a good amount of time. It was good, but you know that feeling like, let's see how do I explain this....I miss all of them but at the same time, I know I'm not on their level, or the same page of life they're on? Hard to explain....It doesn't help that there are still feelings burrowed deep inside, that the more I try to suppress the more they surface, esp in these situations. I simply miss her. Sarai and Justin are getting married and moving back out to Oregon, which I think is great for Sarai, because she deserves a good person like him, and at least they have good spiritual goals....it'll work out. I just gotta see how I'm gonna find money to get to the wedding....one more to add to the list of worries.
Saturday just basically was a long workday, but I got through it. Towards the end there was something that really bothered me and I really don't feel like venting on this issue now, because its something that truly shouldn't bother me, but its like that stupid pinched nerve you try to forget, and when you turn a certain way you're reminded of it. I don't want to be reminded of it now, nor do I care about it because its just plain idiocy. But back to Saturday, after work Alina came over with her sister and we went out to The Office and then to Van Gogh's. Was a fun night, hadn't seen Angelique (Alina's sis) in a while so it was good to see her. Stopped at CVS to pass the time...I realize how much I love CVS the more I go there. Its just fun to be in there, reading cards, looking at magazines, just basically lounging inside....sounds stupid but its fun. There are many places I love to do that in....Barnes and Noble, Target, Circuit City, APPLE STORE!!...etc. Then we just came back to my house looked at pics, and took some while I got nasty with commerce bank on the phone.
Sunday we had our last day of the CO and DO visit. This week has made me realize a lot of things that I need to work on, and how much Jehovah has these programs to encourage us and to remind us, that even though we go through all this crap in our life, and lose our family, friends, and everything, we still have him and his organization to rely on. Its a hard reality to grasp, at least for me, because I live off my Friends and Family. I'm a people person believe it or not. I am imperfect and although independent, I'm scared to be alone, or not have anyone. Its just more enjoyable to live life and be able to share those moments with your friends and just be able to have that person you can call and talk to about anything, and never feel judged. But back to the meeting, we had a lot in attendance which shows that there still are people who are interested enough to show up for meetings like these or special visits....and a friend of mine said, that the only thing we can be for other people is a good example, so it just reminded me of how much we need to serve Jehovah the right way because people are always watching us, esp because they have this mindset that JW's are perfect...and were not....but yea....good to see the hall filled up. Went out for breakfast with Lin, Erik and Matt after the meeting, which was good, but I wasn't feeling as energetic, kind of tired for no particular reason to be exact. Slept a little when I got home and woke up when Alina got here to watch the Giants game. Ordered some pizza and watched the Giants game.
Let me tell you how I almost cried today. The game tied at the end, packers got possesion, but in the end we made it with a field goal 47 yards away.....when all the other field goals had missed in the game...and they were closer than 47 yards....so it felt good when they won. So we went out to Fridays to celebrate after. Had some dessert and drinks.
Now just sitting here listening to music and recapping the weekend. I wish sometimes I could control certain things, but then I realize I am only human, and the most I can do is offer what I have. I love the people closest to me, and all I can do is pray I can keep them close, and as for other situation, maybe later down the line our paths will cross, and we can pick up where we left off..I do miss her, but its only best that it stays how it is now.
I just thank Jehovah for all the people in my life who care about me and vice versa.
On that note, I have to shower and sleep....not all schools have off for MLK, and mine is one of them.
Night
-disenchanted
Friday, January 18, 2008
the ink on these walls is not a cry for the weak
I'm pacing the four corners of my mind
Impossibility isn't a question we like to raise
but here inside we know these waters
We've sailed them before but we were inexperienced
and now we have a compass leading to desire
We've built empires on quick sands
and promises on hollow words
Too scared to think of tomorrow
We open the closest doors
Expecting a new beginning
Trying to find refuge behind these walls
But we start over where we once began
Impossibility isn't a question we like to raise
but here inside we know these waters
We've sailed them before but we were inexperienced
and now we have a compass leading to desire
We've built empires on quick sands
and promises on hollow words
Too scared to think of tomorrow
We open the closest doors
Expecting a new beginning
Trying to find refuge behind these walls
But we start over where we once began
Monday, January 14, 2008
It's ok by me
So I went hay wire and deleted all my old posts in a fit of anger and decided to start writing here again.
How have things been? They've been pretty good, but you know if we sit and think about it, everything else around us is not as good....not personally, but more like in the sense of whats going in this enormous habitat we call earth. People dying, natural disasters, crisis, and so many more things....but in the end like Ingrid Michaelson says in one of her songs...."all we can do is keep breathing". We might want to change the world, but I always thought like this, if we can't help ourselves how are we supposed to help the world. "Be the change you want to be", but half our lives are trying to define who we are as people, and maybe thats why the world is the way it is. We are trying to be that change, but its so inconsistent that it turns into chaos.
It's an amazing thing though; life that is. It's something that so many take for granted, and because of our intrinsic inherited imperfection, we never stop to really appreciate it. Granted its hard in the daily routine we or role we play. Depending on your lifestyle and your occupation, that dictates your life..as much as we hate to acknowledge it, but its true. We have to prepare for work, school, or the position in life we're filling. But when you are able to stop and take a look around, whether it be positive or negative surroundings, its a good feeling..most of the time it is. You cherish the small moments that make you feel at that moment that whatever you've done up until that point, whatever hardships you've been through, or achievements, its all worth it. You're able to truly enjoy life, or as much as our imperfect minds let us enjoy. Why is it though, the good moments seem to vanish, and only surface from time to time, and the trials we've gone through that have weighed down on us for so long last an eternity, or hover around like that nauseating smell of popcorn and butter in a theater? Because if you think about it, people say, "whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger." So what about good things that happen, that also molds us into the people we are today..doesn't that count too? People say that when we go through something hard and we overcome it, we are molded into better people because we got through it...so whats to say about when something good happens and people automatically write it off as good luck, or chance. Or maybe thats just how I see things?
As for me though, life's gears are moving right now, and I can't really tell what the future will bring, but I have a good guess, and hopefully it turns out the way I envision it. As for now, I'll take it a day at a time, and try at least once or more times a day to stop and think of something good that happened that day or look back at a recent memory that made me smile or feel good....Positive reinforcement I guess....it seems to be working, so I'll let you know how that goes. Until then, keep your chin up.
Signing out-
How have things been? They've been pretty good, but you know if we sit and think about it, everything else around us is not as good....not personally, but more like in the sense of whats going in this enormous habitat we call earth. People dying, natural disasters, crisis, and so many more things....but in the end like Ingrid Michaelson says in one of her songs...."all we can do is keep breathing". We might want to change the world, but I always thought like this, if we can't help ourselves how are we supposed to help the world. "Be the change you want to be", but half our lives are trying to define who we are as people, and maybe thats why the world is the way it is. We are trying to be that change, but its so inconsistent that it turns into chaos.
It's an amazing thing though; life that is. It's something that so many take for granted, and because of our intrinsic inherited imperfection, we never stop to really appreciate it. Granted its hard in the daily routine we or role we play. Depending on your lifestyle and your occupation, that dictates your life..as much as we hate to acknowledge it, but its true. We have to prepare for work, school, or the position in life we're filling. But when you are able to stop and take a look around, whether it be positive or negative surroundings, its a good feeling..most of the time it is. You cherish the small moments that make you feel at that moment that whatever you've done up until that point, whatever hardships you've been through, or achievements, its all worth it. You're able to truly enjoy life, or as much as our imperfect minds let us enjoy. Why is it though, the good moments seem to vanish, and only surface from time to time, and the trials we've gone through that have weighed down on us for so long last an eternity, or hover around like that nauseating smell of popcorn and butter in a theater? Because if you think about it, people say, "whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger." So what about good things that happen, that also molds us into the people we are today..doesn't that count too? People say that when we go through something hard and we overcome it, we are molded into better people because we got through it...so whats to say about when something good happens and people automatically write it off as good luck, or chance. Or maybe thats just how I see things?
As for me though, life's gears are moving right now, and I can't really tell what the future will bring, but I have a good guess, and hopefully it turns out the way I envision it. As for now, I'll take it a day at a time, and try at least once or more times a day to stop and think of something good that happened that day or look back at a recent memory that made me smile or feel good....Positive reinforcement I guess....it seems to be working, so I'll let you know how that goes. Until then, keep your chin up.
Signing out-
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