2/29/08

i woke up to the sound of indecisive footsteps echoing through the roof into my room.
sat up on my bed, and felt it unusual.
Outside the birds were no longer welcoming my presence. This time they just sat in the tree and stared. I stared back; there was no understanding. I felt their greedy eyes on my back as i made my way back in.
The route to school, or labor camp as i have recently named it, was the same. The only difference was the traffic lights, as did the birds, glared at me, this time they were trying to tell me something. It usually isn't by chance that all of them are red on the way to school. I then became upset towards them, for they were the reason i was behind schedule. The day played on as any usual Thursday does. I felt distant though today, not towards anyone, but life in itself. I sat there during theory, one which I already had taken upon myself to learn. It painstakingly laughed at me for the whole 45 minutes. Who knew the hair removal chapter would be such a perfidious character. Well after the misery had passed, I sat there wanting to think deeply, but couldn't get myself to do it. Thinking comes easily i thought, but this time, it was either sleeping or on break. I was a zombie at that point. Alive, but no inclination to do anything, no desire...not even for blood(a joke for those not able minded). Everyone who talked to me, i could hear them, but it made no sense, my mind wasn't even trying to understand what they said. Then I started to laugh quietly, because all i saw were mouths moving, but nothing could be made of the sounds.
Lunch time was another blur, more so because at this point, i had given up on trying to make sense of the day. Outside the sun beat down, but seemed to cast a shadow over me. The clouds hovered over me like a group of new freshmen hovering a map of the school on their first day. If i paid them no mind, they would go away. They eventually did...I did nothing to entertain them. After school, went straight to work...usually i find solace there, but lately some days I've felt more and more like bacteria under a microscope. Everything I do is watched. When I walk, where I walk to. I have a method to my madness, and theres no figuring it out. Heck if I haven't figured it out, I don't think someone else could. But i kept it cool. I sat outside for a bit, and the climate wasn't merciful. The sun gave you that false sense of security, but when you walked outside, you realized that warm sun is far away. I sat there to take a breath, and everyone that walked by, did just that walked by. Some looked for a split second, others busy on their phone talking about how they don't have enough money to pay for a babysitter because they had to buy their boyfriend a sound system for his car. Through process of today's generation is a frightful one. As I left work, the comfort of heat and a familiar face welcomed me. The ride home was short, but then again it seems the good times don't last that long lately. Got dressed and went to the meeting. Opened the door and was tackled by allergies. I couldn't get comfortable, I felt like i was dying at one point. I couldn't breathe, and started to become irritated. I got up and the feeling left.
Sometimes it's not easy to keep your head up. People say it,but its easier said than done. I believe that we can change our moods, and attitude and outcomes of situations. But I also believe that you can do that when your mind helps you to. Today, my mind had taken a leave of absence.
I should of known from the minute I woke up. The birds were telling me, and so were the glaring red lights.

where you want to be..

If time were as simple as the snap of a finger where would you go?

Go back in time to fix mistakes we knew we were making?

Venture forward to where we want to be?

Would it be worth to do either?

Going back to try and fix mistakes would mean that who we are at this very moment would mean absolutely nothing. Who we are, products of mistakes healed with time. Souls entranced with barbed wire regrets and loaded pistols, ready to strike when all we need is to breathe deep. Spewing deadly poison as a matter of first defense. Without conviction, we will never feel anything at all.

Skipping to the future is for those who are unhappy. The future to them is a means of forgetting who they are, and what they've yet to accomplish. Rather than accepting the gift of present, they are preoccupied with something out of their reach. Acceptance and understanding is not something they adopt in daily life. Experience, a word non existent in their vocabulary. Slaves to their own confinements, and to their own corrupt ideals. Making the best of now would be idiocy. Long term goals, impossible to be reached without accepting the present.

Without a fight, they fall.

coordinate brain and mouth...

He paints a mural of deception and morality based on materialistic vows. Hoping that while he paints the end of this internal war that he will find the missing pieces of the puzzle. Concentrated on picking up the pieces, he finds the fragments of past decisions and mistakes. He just wants to believe that it's not in vain, so he creates more unfinished masterpieces, and thats just what he is. An unfinished trophy.

life isnt about finding yourself, its about creating yourself

I thought about the quote which is the title to this entry.
It made me realize even more the complexity, and dis-functionality of this life.


   When you're told in life you will find who you are, people say that because they're scared to admit to themselves who they are. When you stand in front of a mirror and stare yourself down, you know who you are, the problem is accepting or admitting to who and what you are. [EXAMPLE]Pedophiles aren't going through some phase of life and trying to find themselves. They're sick individuals who know that what they do is perversely and morally incorrect. Cheers to them, because they know who they are. NO! I am not encouraging or supporting what they are. Just a point to explain that people avoid to show or be who they really are in fear of being rejected or pushed away.

   Naturally (or at least in my head) people liked to be liked. However sometimes because the way a certain person is, or better yet WHO a certain individual is, may not be something flattering to another imperfect reasoning mind. There comes in to play the saying about finding yourself.

   Finding yourself to me means, be someone you're not to impress other people. Change what you love about yourself and who you are to make others happy. Of course, if someone is ill tempered, or otherwise, that person might want to detract away from that characteristic. Doesn't necessarily mean they are that way forever. Neither does it mean trying to mold that or erase that characteristic changing who they are. We know as humans there are certain things that trigger the mind and trigger senses. Like sharks, they aren't born to kill humans or hunt us down. However when they smell blood or something looks apparent as to what they prey on, their mind is triggered and they attack. Same thing as us. We can be amazing people, generous, loving, caring, compassionate. But when certain things trigger our emotions or feelings, doesn't mean that we aren't going to be upset, angry, depressed, etc. People judge to often that when someone is in a bad mood, thats how they always are, and you cant change that.
What about when they're in a good mood?

   I guess what I'm trying to say is that, most of us know who we are, and at times we're afraid to show it because we feel other people might not accept that. In a sense we have to create ourselves to others. My case, I do have sometimes a bad temper, but showing that all the time isn't something positive, nor do i excuse that behavior, it's what I am. However I can control in time those emotions. Maybe this only makes sense to me. But whatever, this is how I'm feeling right now, and I thought I'd share it.

   I guess what triggered this thought, was hearing something at work. Someone told someone that in life, most of our time is spent finding out who we are. In my head, I was like, no its not, I know who I am, half of life is accepting who we are and hoping our peers will accept it whenever we're ready to show who we really are. Or we can pretend to be something we're not, and going home each night and looking in the mirror, not able to come to peace with ourselves.


Got it?


Nahhh


alright I'm gonna shower



peace!