crushcrushcrush

So this weekend, was I guess you can say pretty good. Kinda kept it low key, but not really.

Friday hung out with some old friends, and it was a pretty good feeling. I hadn't seen Isaias, Ariela, Sarai, and Chan for a good amount of time. It was good, but you know that feeling like, let's see how do I explain this....I miss all of them but at the same time, I know I'm not on their level, or the same page of life they're on? Hard to explain....It doesn't help that there are still feelings burrowed deep inside, that the more I try to suppress the more they surface, esp in these situations. I simply miss her. Sarai and Justin are getting married and moving back out to Oregon, which I think is great for Sarai, because she deserves a good person like him, and at least they have good spiritual goals....it'll work out. I just gotta see how I'm gonna find money to get to the wedding....one more to add to the list of worries.

Saturday just basically was a long workday, but I got through it. Towards the end there was something that really bothered me and I really don't feel like venting on this issue now, because its something that truly shouldn't bother me, but its like that stupid pinched nerve you try to forget, and when you turn a certain way you're reminded of it. I don't want to be reminded of it now, nor do I care about it because its just plain idiocy. But back to Saturday, after work Alina came over with her sister and we went out to The Office and then to Van Gogh's. Was a fun night, hadn't seen Angelique (Alina's sis) in a while so it was good to see her. Stopped at CVS to pass the time...I realize how much I love CVS the more I go there. Its just fun to be in there, reading cards, looking at magazines, just basically lounging inside....sounds stupid but its fun. There are many places I love to do that in....Barnes and Noble, Target, Circuit City, APPLE STORE!!...etc. Then we just came back to my house looked at pics, and took some while I got nasty with commerce bank on the phone.

Sunday we had our last day of the CO and DO visit. This week has made me realize a lot of things that I need to work on, and how much Jehovah has these programs to encourage us and to remind us, that even though we go through all this crap in our life, and lose our family, friends, and everything, we still have him and his organization to rely on. Its a hard reality to grasp, at least for me, because I live off my Friends and Family. I'm a people person believe it or not. I am imperfect and although independent, I'm scared to be alone, or not have anyone. Its just more enjoyable to live life and be able to share those moments with your friends and just be able to have that person you can call and talk to about anything, and never feel judged. But back to the meeting, we had a lot in attendance which shows that there still are people who are interested enough to show up for meetings like these or special visits....and a friend of mine said, that the only thing we can be for other people is a good example, so it just reminded me of how much we need to serve Jehovah the right way because people are always watching us, esp because they have this mindset that JW's are perfect...and were not....but yea....good to see the hall filled up. Went out for breakfast with Lin, Erik and Matt after the meeting, which was good, but I wasn't feeling as energetic, kind of tired for no particular reason to be exact. Slept a little when I got home and woke up when Alina got here to watch the Giants game. Ordered some pizza and watched the Giants game.
Let me tell you how I almost cried today. The game tied at the end, packers got possesion, but in the end we made it with a field goal 47 yards away.....when all the other field goals had missed in the game...and they were closer than 47 yards....so it felt good when they won. So we went out to Fridays to celebrate after. Had some dessert and drinks.

Now just sitting here listening to music and recapping the weekend. I wish sometimes I could control certain things, but then I realize I am only human, and the most I can do is offer what I have. I love the people closest to me, and all I can do is pray I can keep them close, and as for other situation, maybe later down the line our paths will cross, and we can pick up where we left off..I do miss her, but its only best that it stays how it is now.
I just thank Jehovah for all the people in my life who care about me and vice versa.

On that note, I have to shower and sleep....not all schools have off for MLK, and mine is one of them.

Night

-disenchanted

the ink on these walls is not a cry for the weak

I'm pacing the four corners of my mind
Impossibility isn't a question we like to raise
but here inside we know these waters
We've sailed them before but we were inexperienced
and now we have a compass leading to desire

We've built empires on quick sands
and promises on hollow words
Too scared to think of tomorrow
We open the closest doors
Expecting a new beginning
Trying to find refuge behind these walls
But we start over where we once began

It's ok by me

So I went hay wire and deleted all my old posts in a fit of anger and decided to start writing here again.

How have things been? They've been pretty good, but you know if we sit and think about it, everything else around us is not as good....not personally, but more like in the sense of whats going in this enormous habitat we call earth. People dying, natural disasters, crisis, and so many more things....but in the end like Ingrid Michaelson says in one of her songs...."all we can do is keep breathing". We might want to change the world, but I always thought like this, if we can't help ourselves how are we supposed to help the world. "Be the change you want to be", but half our lives are trying to define who we are as people, and maybe thats why the world is the way it is. We are trying to be that change, but its so inconsistent that it turns into chaos.
It's an amazing thing though; life that is. It's something that so many take for granted, and because of our intrinsic inherited imperfection, we never stop to really appreciate it. Granted its hard in the daily routine we or role we play. Depending on your lifestyle and your occupation, that dictates your life..as much as we hate to acknowledge it, but its true. We have to prepare for work, school, or the position in life we're filling. But when you are able to stop and take a look around, whether it be positive or negative surroundings, its a good feeling..most of the time it is. You cherish the small moments that make you feel at that moment that whatever you've done up until that point, whatever hardships you've been through, or achievements, its all worth it. You're able to truly enjoy life, or as much as our imperfect minds let us enjoy. Why is it though, the good moments seem to vanish, and only surface from time to time, and the trials we've gone through that have weighed down on us for so long last an eternity, or hover around like that nauseating smell of popcorn and butter in a theater? Because if you think about it, people say, "whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger." So what about good things that happen, that also molds us into the people we are today..doesn't that count too? People say that when we go through something hard and we overcome it, we are molded into better people because we got through it...so whats to say about when something good happens and people automatically write it off as good luck, or chance. Or maybe thats just how I see things?

As for me though, life's gears are moving right now, and I can't really tell what the future will bring, but I have a good guess, and hopefully it turns out the way I envision it. As for now, I'll take it a day at a time, and try at least once or more times a day to stop and think of something good that happened that day or look back at a recent memory that made me smile or feel good....Positive reinforcement I guess....it seems to be working, so I'll let you know how that goes. Until then, keep your chin up.

Signing out-